She can't wait to be on her festival feet.

She woke up feeling anxious. She dreamt of Urbanscapes again. In approximately 61 days, she'll be in Malaysia, spending her weekend singing her lungs out and dancing her legs off at the music festival. She already booked her flight and bought festival passes a week ago. Now, the excitement just builds up. She started shuffling through her "urbanscapes playlist" to somehow calm herself down. It didn't work, of course. It just added up to the anxiety or excitement. Or whatever that feeling she's having.

She started working. She needs to work extra to earn extra. Traveling overseas to watch a music festival isn't cheap. Two essays and she had to stop. For some reasons, she started looking for cheap flight tickets to Singapore. Laneway on 2014, she thought. These music festivals really got into her.

And a cheap flight, there is.

She texted her friend in Singapore about the flight. Her friend is her music festival guardian angel; she was the one who booked the Urbanscapes passes; they're going together. And now, she's offering to book the Laneway's. She started panicking. Should she go? This is another opportunity. She can afford it, so why let it go? Yes, Laneway it is, she thought. She and her friend decided; they are going. She pays for her ticket tomorrow; her friend books the passes as soon as they go on sale. She started feeling queasy inside. She let out a quick scream, more of a shriek actually. This is it. 2 music festivals to go to.

She let the thought linger for a while. She just closed her eyes. Took a few deep breaths. And she's okay. No panicking, just pure excitement. She started working again. She's focused and motivated this time. Finally, she has something to work for. Something to write about. Something to look forward to. She's getting too emotional because of the music festivals. Well, it has been a while since she liked something this much she's getting back on track. This is good, she thought. This is better.

And now she's counting down the days. She can't wait to see her friend. She can't wait to see the bands. She can't wait to be on her festival feet. She can't wait, and it feels good. 

Do you remember the time we..?

Do you remember the first time we smoked together? I was still a trainee at work then. I remember you from college, but we weren't friends then. I noticed that we smoke the same brand, and I told you that. You just smiled. I remember seeing you at the office, but we don't talk that much. Just his and hellos. Just smiles.
Do you remember the first time we ate lunch together? I was alone that time. My friends were not around. You asked me if you could join me, I said yes. There were three of us that time. We started talking about my (then) boyfriend. We were having problems that time. For some reasons, I felt comfortable telling you. We just laughed my problems out. We smoked afterwards.
Do you remember the first time we “went out” for dinner? It was early in the evening. You are heading home, I was, too. I was too shy to tell you, but I was starving. I took a shot and asked if you want to eat. Apparently, you wanted to eat to. So we went to grab fake Chinese. We named that night our “first date”. I remember you asked for my number. I gladly gave it and took yours too. I knew then, that we are going to be good friends.
Do you remember that time we decided to live together? Us and two more girls. I don't remember that time. But I am sure, I was happy. If I am not mistaken, that was the time that we also decided that we're gonna be roommies.
Do you remember the day you and your ex broke up? I was at the office pantry talking to another workmate when you rushed towards me, crying. I didn't know what to do. I am bad at consoling. I just patted your back and gave you a hug.
Do you remember my 21st birthday? I was disappointed that afternoon because my other friends canceled on me. You and our other office friends took me out instead. We went drinking at a pub that night. It was one of my best birthdays.
Do you remember the day you moved your stuff in? I was crying when you entered the empty unit. One of our workmates who was also one of my closest friends is migrating to another country. Your sister was there with you while I cried with my mouth open. You consoled me a little. I apologized for being such a kid, you said it was okay.
Do you remember the day we went shopping for our bedroom? We felt so grown up and rich. We cut work and head to the mall to buy a bunk bed, mattresses and a cabinet. I enjoyed that day. We were so serious in choosing which to buy, but in the end we bought the cheapest stuff. I enjoyed that day. We can finally sleep in our bedroom, I thought.
Do you remember the first time we invited friends over for a slumber party? You were so drunk then. I was a bit annoyed cos I don't like drunk people who can't take care of themselves. And you are definitely one of those people. But you were okay the next day. We were hungover but we still went to work. I wasn't annoyed at you anymore.
Do you remember the first concert we watched together? It was Foster the People. Your sister came with us. Before the concert, I had my hair cut super short. You also got a haircut. We were both surprised and weirded out with my new look. We got used to it anyway.
Do you remember the time I went to Singapore? You accompanied me in shopping for clothes and other stuff. You helped me in packing my stuff. You even took me to the airport. While I was there, I was wishing that you could come, too. It was just 5 days anyway. I told you a lot of stories when I got back. You gladly listened.
Do you remember the time I broke up with my ex? It was after our Christmas party with our friends. When I got off the phone with him, I jumped down to your bunk and woke you up. You were considerate enough to not get pissed at me for waking you. You just asked me what happened and hugged me. I didn't know what I was feeling that time. I just needed someone to talk to.
Do you remember that time I got so high? I couldn't sleep cos I felt like I was dying. So you let me sleep beside you. And I know that you are uncomfortable sharing your bed with me but you did anyway. I was reaching for something all night and you just stayed there and took care of me. You were constantly reminding me to breath cos I stopped a couple of times cos I was really high.
Do you remember the time we watched your favorite band's concert? You were so happy that time. You bought a shirt, a poster, and button pins. You were such a fangirl. I remember you singing along and even crying while they perform. You even offered to give your necklace to the vocalist. We had a bad case of PCD that time.
Do you remember the time we went out to play Bang with a couple of Dutch men? That was a funny experience, right? I think that was very random and impulsive too. We were asked by a new friend to come with her and her other friend to to play a card game with their Dutch friends and since we were just home on a Saturday night we said yes. I remember being tired cos of talking in English too much. We got home in the morning. We had fun, didn't we?
Do you remember that time that we went to Manila Ocean Park? That was fun.
Do you remember the times we bought stuff just because we fucking have money?
Do you remember the time we tried losing weight and ended up self-pitying and binge eating? You cried that time. It was funny.
Do you remember the time I slept over at your house and we worked while we gossip?
Do you remember the time we decided that we will put up our own business? We were so serious about it. And I know that    we'd be successful.
Do you remember the time we went to the beach and you got drunk and everybody got drunk and your pictures are all gross and I did something bad and I was so broken hearted?
Do you remember that time when I said that I was over what happened and I'm okay? I was lying. I don't know if you noticed, but I was. I really messed up and I was so devastated. I didn't want to tell you this because you already heard it so many times and I'm afraid you'll get tired of listening.
Do you remember the time I broke down cos I messed up and I still wasn't okay? It started as our usual heart to heart talk while chain smoking. But then my emotions got over me. You were just there listening. And I couldn't stop myself from crying. My feelings were too much; I was like a waterfall. You just stared at me, and listened. My tears are swallowing my words but you kept listening. You didn't say anything. You didn't have to. You being there and not leaving me while I wallow is enough.
Do you remember that time I said sorry because I didn't realize soon enough that you were the only one who was literally and figuratively always there for me? I'm sorry again. I appreciate everything.
Do you remember the time you got a new job? I was happy for you. But sad for me. But mostly happy for you cos that is what you wanted.
Do you remember the time you cleaned your station up? You gave me that big oreo can. I felt like crying that time. You were really leaving. But I choked back my tears. I told myself, I am sad but mostly happy for you cos that is what you wanted.

Do you remember the time I told you that I was writing something for you?
This is it. This is for you. This is about you. This is about you and me and our “friendship”.

I know that this is cheesy and if you were here, we're probably laughing at how cheesy this is. But I miss you and I miss having you as my roommate so I wrote this. I miss having you around. Badly. Now, every time I turn around from my station there is no you behind me. It sucks. Whenever, I feel like chain-smoking and having a good cry, there's no you in the bottom bunk. Every time I want to binge eat, there is no you to judge me, but give in anyway.

Do you remember the time that I told you that you are my best friend?
I meant that. I remember telling you that it's okay that I'm not yours. I was embarrassed when I said that. Best friends? Ugh.  Labels suck. Whatever, you're my best friend. And there's nothing you can do about it.

Anyway, we'll see each other again. Maybe next week. Maybe this Sunday. Maybe later haha. I just felt like I have to say these things to you. But I can't just send it through BBM or facebook. I could've called you but we have a short attention span and would probably end up gossiping. So here it is, B.

She #7

She hasn't written anything for over a week. She's frustrated. She promised herself that even if she has to go back to work, she would still write. She told herself a month ago that nothing should get in the way of her writing. Because this is something that she should not pressure herself to do; it should come naturally. But apparently, she hasn't gotten over her "focus" issues yet.

She started working two weeks ago and she has been busy since. Her mind functions only when it's about work. She tried writing but nothing comes out. The process only ends up with frustration and guilt. She gets frustrated when she can't write; she gets guilty because she feels lazy that she can't write.

She worries a lot these past 2 weeks too. she worries about her low output at work. In turn, she worries about the low pay that she's going to get. She has to pay rent and bills. She's become terrified because she knows that her salary wouldn't be enough for everything. She's now learning how to become thrifty. She has too. She needs to. She tries to think of ways to earn money. Maybe she even has to get another job to make ends meet. She feels pathetic and hopeless. She never imagined her life to be like this.

She thinks about the times when she just spent and spent. She spent on trips, concerts, movies, and fine dining. She spent on clothes and shoes. She realized that if she just saved some of her money then, maybe she has something now. But she knows that all the things and places she spent on are all worth it. Poor, but filled with experiences--that's what she is. That's fulfilling, she thought.

It just sucks that she has to worry about money, but she doesn't regret anything that she did or bought. She's a millenial; this is what millenials do. And actually, she is not planning on cutting down her expenses on trips and concerts and movies. She wants to experience more. She wants to live more. She just has to learn how to save though. For rainy days like these, savings are important.

She realized that she's growing up. She's maturing. But it doesn't bother her anymore. Her 2012 self would have been very terrified. Back then, she took a toast saying "here's to never growing up". Well, things change. Under certain circumstances, she knows she has to grow up. Everybody has to, at some point. And this is her time. But in spite of this, she knows that deep down, she is still that little girl figuring out where to put the final piece on her Lego robot.

Empty now.

She knows she isn't pretty. She doesn't have the perfect nose, the perfect smile. Her hair flies away to wherever it pleases. She has an oily forehead. Her lips are chappy and she doesn't know how to put on make up. But whatever she lacks in physical appearance, she tries to compensate with confidence.

You're not pretty, but you're cool, she always tells herself. Just be funny and throw witty punchlines, she always keeps in mind. She tries so much not to be insecure. She tries so much to not care with how she looks. She tries so much not to drown herself in self pity and self doubt. For 21 years she succeeded in doing so. But everyone's game changes. And today, hers did.

All those years of building her high self esteem. All those years of self pep talks. All those years of believing with what she has. All those years now gone down the drain. All because she let her guards down. All because she let people in her life. All because she trusted too much. All because she loved too much.

Now her ghosts come alive. She waves her white flag and let them swallow her. She just let them drag her down. She couldn't fight them this time. She couldn't hold on anymore. She's empty now. She's empty now.

Running and better.

I had a dream that I was running. Just running. Not away from someone or something. Not towards anyone, anything, or anywhere. Just running. It was like my usual afternoon run. I got nothing on my mind but the thought that I gotta run, just because I want to. The road I was taking was very unfamiliar though. I haven't been there before. On my left was a fastfood joint. The road looks like a skyway, but it didn't ghave any railings. I was running in full speed so I was a little afraid that I might fall down. As I look at what's below the skyway, I saw a Chinese temple. It was very vivid. The intricate dragon carvings on its roof. The pointed, towering roof. I moved away from the edge of the road, afraid I might fall into the temple. I moved to the other side of the road 'cos the sight of the temple distracts me and gives me a feeling that I'm really gonna fall down. A few more seconds and I was okay. I got back my pace and kept running.

Running, running, and running.

No panting, sweating. No getting tired. Just running. I had this feeling that I haven't felt before. I have no words to describe it, but it's like that feeling when you finally remembered something that you have been trying to remember for days. It's like that feeling when you're finally able to buy something that you've been saving up for for months. It's like that feeling of getting off of a plane in another country. It's like that feeling of a first kiss. It's like that feeling that I got when I finally graduated from college. It's like those feelings, but better. It was way way better.

I woke up from this dream feeling ecstatic. I woke up feeling that finally I know what to do with my life. I woke up feeling that I can do anything, accomplish everything.I haven't felt this way for a long time. For the first time, in a long time, I felt free. Free from all the worries that I have. Free from all the guilt, the sadness, the heartbreak. Free from all the insecurities, the doubts, the self-pity. Free from all the bad vibes.

For the first time, in a long time, I feel okay. I feel good. I feel better. I am better.

She #6

She woke up to Sweet Child o' Mine of Guns 'n Roses. This is the perfect alarm by far, she thought. She checked the time, 9 am. She checked if her company is up. Not yet. She went back to sleep again. She woke up again after half an hour. Her roommate and her roommate's sister are up now. She got up and fix her things. They are driving down South today, back home.

Her legs are aching from all the walking around and not sitting down at last night's gig. They went to a bar/cafe to take pictures for her roommate's sister's school project. There were 6 or 7 bands who played. It was really a small place and the music blasted right to her ears. She was still hearing a high frequency sound and it bothered her a little. It's gonna be okay soon, she thought.

They were on the road just about half past ten. She can tell that everyone's tired. Their voices all cracked, a sign that no one got any decent sleep.  But it's alright. She can also tell that they enjoyed last night. Even though they got lost. It was their first time going to that bar. They downloaded a map from Google but ended up getting lost anyway. They just made fun of the street names as their inside joke.

Her roommate's sister drove really fast. She didn't usually like riding in fast cars, but oddly, she felt safe in this one. They stopped by Mcdonald's to get lunch. She was in the backseat but fastened her seatbelt when she got her food. The car's too fast, I might choke on my fries, she thought.

She got home at around 1pm. She felt really tired. She dragged herself up to her room, changed into fresh clothes, and crawled into her bed. Oh rest finally, she thought. It felt like she had been awake for a year. The exhaustion finally got her and she fell asleep. She could tell that it was a very deep sleep because when she woke up, it was dark. It was dinner time. She knew because her stomach is already rumbling. She ate like she was dying tomorrow. Halfway though her second helping, she started feeling sleepy again. So she stopped. The dog can have this, she thought. Again, she dragged herself up to her room and crawled back to sleep.

This is what a lazy person does, sleep all day, she thought. But who can blame her? She was really exhausted. And besides, she starts working again tomorrow. She needs this. She needs all the sleep that she can have. 'Cos the next day will be very different from the past 35 days that she had. The next day takes her back to reality.

She #5

She was awakened by the sound of knocking on her door. It's her sister. She was too sleepy to understand a word she said. She went back to bed and checked the time. Fucking 5:50 am, she thought. It was too early for her to wake up so she snuggled back to bed. But she couldn't seem to get her sleep back. Her sister appeared to have gained 100 million more pounds in her feet. Her footsteps were very loud. She tried covering herself with the blanket and her ears with her stuffed toys. The mickey mouse on the left, the bunny on the right. Cozy enough, she thought. And then the sister turned up her morning psyche mix. Oh no Alicia Keys, don't be on fire at this time, not at this time, she thought. But it was too late. Alicia made her way to the top of the world singing ooh woooah ooh. She was pissed, so pissed she fell asleep again.

She woke up for the second time at the sound of her father's voice. Defrost the fridge, he said. Fine, I will, she said. Still half asleep. She checked the time, it was 9 am. Too early for her usual wake-up time but whatever she's up anyway.

She ignored breakfast once again. Just a glass of water would suffice, she thought. It did for another 3 hours. Lunch time and she was still in bed. She just finished watching a couple of The Big Bang Theory episodes. She also caught up with Catfish the TV series. She sure does watch a lot of series.

She decided to have lunch in bed. Nobody's home anyway, she thought. While munching on rice and ground beef, she was talking to her friend about her latest blog entries. The friend was teasing her on being too cheesy. It was true, she felt cheesy. But who cares, she thought. It's her blog. She just kept talking to her friend. They exchanged thoughts about her entries. The friend told her she writes well. She was flattered. Very much flattered. Nobody has ever told her that before. She felt good. She decided she would continue writing. She decided to start slow. Write what you know and experience, she thought. That's the best way to begin, she thought.

She was energized with the thought that she'll keep writing. This was the most excited she was for weeks. She wanted to go out and meet up with friends now. She just wanted to see them. She wanted to talk, she wanted to laugh. Enough with the TV series today, she thought. She was just so excited that she wanted to be around people. Today would be fun, she told herself.

And finally, after two days, she decided to take that shower.

She #4

She realized that her vacation is ending in 33 hours. This saddens her. Even though nothing much happened in her life for the past month, she was contented and happy. She might have complained a lot for being unproductive and lazy, but she just had to admit, she liked it. She liked bumming around. Eating only when she feels like it. Taking a shower when she can't take the stink anymore. Waking up or getting up whenever she likes. She kinda got used to this routine already. And it sucks that this vacation is ending.

Earlier today, she got an email from the employer where she did the product description challenge for. She didn't get the job. She just shrugged. She didn't care actually. Enough of the part time home based jobs, she thought. She decided she's going to look for jobs that she really wants. Like event planning and organizing. She actually found a good one yesterday. She felt really drawn to this company. So she fixed her CV and emailed it. Her fingers were crossed for this one. She thought that it's okay if her other wishes don't come true. Just this one, she thought. She prayed out loud. Please let me get this one, please, she said.

She felt like she isn't good enough for that company. Maybe she isn't hip enough. Or pretty enough. Maybe she doesn't have enough experiences. Or awards. Or skills. She felt bad that she feels like this about herself. She looked in the mirror and tried giving herself compliments. You are smart. You are energetic. You are funny. It kind of worked. She stopped thinking about rejection.

She's back to watching Girls again. It's that episode which she hates the most. It's the one where Hannah sleeps with Joshua, the doctor. She never liked this one. Too intimate for her. She watched it anyway. And she felt bad afterwards. She had to watch the next episode to shake off the uncomfortable feeling that she suddenly got. That next one is where Ezra Koenig had an appearance. She decided to listen to Vampire Weekend as the episode ended.

She still hates that her laptop's hard drive crashed a month ago. All of her music were gone. Now, she had to re-download a discography of Vampire Weekend. She cringes when she thinks about the number of songs that were victimized of that unfortunate hard drive crash. As if she can do anything about that now. She chose to listen to the latest album of the band. She really likes the song Hannah Hunt. She thought that this one should be used in the next season of Girls.

She checked her queued blog entries. She had to edit one but her browser is too slow. She felt so frustrated. She kept on hitting refresh but nothing happens. Alright whatever. She can edit it later, she thought. It's past 4pm now. Time is really moving quickly lately, she thought. She has to catch up, she thought. She closed her browsers, turned up Vampire Weekend, and started writing.

She #3

She didn't check her planner today. Her head felt heavy when she woke up, so she decided that she will be no good in accomplishing any tasks for the whole day. In fact, for the whole week, as per the heaviness of her head. She woke up early, relative to the time of her sleep last night (this morning). The heavy head could be a result of this lack of sleep.

She stayed in bed until she felt hunger crawling up her stomach. Laziness clouded her as she tried to get up. She would've stayed in bed, but her stomach started to gnaw itself. This has always been an issue with her mornings. Which one does she choose? Laziness or hunger? She thought, hunger should win. And for a little bit, she was proud of herself for not letting laziness win.

Her morning was somewhat productive based on what she has been doing her whole vacation month. One employer of a homebased part time job she applied to replied to her application. She was able to accomplished a product description "challenge" that would determine her fate in this job. She was all smiles when she finished the activity. The result will be given tomorrow. And she's back to bumming again.

Rain started pouring come lunch time. Another reason for her to just wrap herself with her blanket and curl in bed. She did this while uncomfortably holding her laptop, browsing through Facebook and Twitter. When things got boring, she started watching her favorite series, Girls. She's in the 2nd season and this is the 5th time that she's rerunning the episodes. She basically knows all the words. Just like Mean Girls. She loves how she can watch this show repeatedly without losing interest. She loves how she relates to the story. She loves how she feels like she's one of them.

Six episodes after, the rain is still pouring hard. Her head started throbbing from all the lying down and watching. She felt like she is going to have flu or a bad fever. She knows that feeling. She was a bit scared but mostly, indifferent. She doesn't care if she gets sick. So what? Staying in bed is nice, she thought. She decided to get up and walk around her room. Just to stretch a little, maybe it could help. And it actually did. She felt a little better, but the sniffles are coming, she can feel it. In spite of the sick feeling, she managed to make a mix for today. She called it "Monday Mix". She put random songs which have the word "Monday" in their titles. She was able to include 15 songs in this mix. Her favorite is Blue Monday by Flunk.

Evening comes. She hasn't taken a shower. The weather is too cold so she dismissed the call of cleanliness this time. She started taking photos of her latest artwork and her Scarlet Johansson movie posters and posted them in Instagram. She also created an "artsy" video of her idea notebook and tried posting it but the device she's using just kept on crashing. Well, it sucks.

Dinner. Chores. And she's back to watching Girls. Another lazy day, she thought. What to do to make it less lazy? She decided to post something in her blog. Her friend started blogging again and she reads his blog and his posts are good. She felt envious. Why can't she keep a blog? Why can't she write for her blog? So she decided to post some things she wrote. She scheduled them so she won't appear too excited. As if people read her blog! She laughed at herself for thinking this. But she scheduled the posts anyway.

She didn't promote her new post right away. She isn't comfortable with that latest post. She just wanted to post something, really. She didn't edit that one. Whoever reads it, hates it. This is what she thought. But whatever. She published it anyway and it's okay. Nobody cares and she doesn't either.

She felt like she can smell herself and that she stinks. So a shower is needed before bed. What a lazy day, she thought. But at the back of her mind, she was also thinking that today is productive. She was able to resurrect her blog. She was able to make a mix, too.

She #2

She couldn't stay put again. She recently downloaded Before Midnight and was watching it when her mind started to drift away. She felt like she was in the movie, having dinner with the characters and then started to drift away in her own world. She hit pause and walked around her room. Why does she keep on having these moments where she can't focus? It's starting to get in her nerves. She wants her focus back. She wants to be able to finish things without getting interrupted by her own mind. But how? She has been like this since childhood, so it seems like there is no way she can ever be otherwise.

She started writing. She started writing about how she couldn't focus on what she's doing. She expected that in no time, she's gonna close the notepad and do another thing. Because that's what happens. She just gets lost. But this time, she got surprised by her own self. She is actually focused in typing every single thing that comes to her head.

When she noticed that she is focused in writing, the train of thought got lost again. She panicked. But it's too late, she couldn't get it back again.

I can see the sea in your eyes, you said.

"You know what I like about you?"

You were smiling so goofy when you asked me this. I'll never get used to your sweetness. I just let out a small giggle.

"You are so energetic. You seem always happy. You're cute, too."
"Uhm. Thanks." I tried to sound cool and relaxed.
"And my favorite, I can see the sea in your eyes. Your eyes are beautiful."

This took me aback. I felt the color leave my face. I must have looked like I've seen a ghost. I didn't know what to say. I actually didn't believe you. I thought that maybe you were just trying to flatter me. Or you were just giving me false compliments so I'd keep hanging out. I just stared at you, puzzled.

"What? Really? Why?"

I can see the sea in your eyes. Who says that? I thought to myself. That's ridiculously beautiful. Damn. It's as if you have a script from a romantic movie. You say all the damn right things.

"Why do you look so surprised? They are beautiful. They are all round and big and when you look at the sea, I can see it from your eyes. You don't believe me, do you?"
"I don't know. It's just..Nobody has ever told me that."
"Alright then. I'll show you."

You made look towards the sea. Just look at the waves, you said. So I did. Then, you took your camera out and took a few shots. You were smiling at the pictures.

"Why are you smiling? Let me see!" I snatched the camera away from you.
"Look at those eyes. Do you believe me now?"

I do. I believe you now. I didn't recognize my eyes. They just look so beautiful. The sea, the waves, and even the sky are reflected in those eyes. Are those really mine? I have, or at least any part of me, never felt beautiful in my life. I can feel my tears starting to build up. But I can't cry. Not in front of you.

"Wow. You're right. Thanks for telling me."
"No problem. I love them. I love looking at your eyes. And at you. And I love spending time with you."

You know that I do, too. I didn't have to say this. I just held your hand and rested my head on your shoulder. I wished that this afternoon never ends. I wished that we can stay like this for as long as we want. I wished that we wouldn't have to leave this place. I wished that it would just be us, the sea, the waves, and this island. But the season will change. And so will we.

She #1

She started feeling uncomfortable with how her room looks like. She thought that she needs to rearrange some things to let the good vibes in her space.

After cleaning, she supposed that she is going to fall asleep because of the exhaustion. But it was otherwise; she was wide awake despite the tiring task of rearranging her things. She decided to watch a movie, but kept on pausing and un-pausing because she did small tasks in between. She couldn't focus, actually. The movie's done. She still couldn't sleep.

Tinkering through her father's memory card, she found a 3-volume anthology of The Beatles' songs. She wasn't born in the 60's to swoon over the four-piece british rock band, but she is a big fan, nonetheless. She sang to almost all of the songs. Her father influenced her familiarity to the songs. She grew up listening to everything The Beatles' played. Her all time favorite is All My Loving. But she gets emotional when she listens to Norweigan Wood.

10 songs yet she still couldn't sleep. She's starting to feel annoyed because she has nothing left to do anymore but to sleep. It has been like this for weeks now. She's up mostly during the night and wakes up past lunch time. Yes, she gets enough sleep, but not at the right schedule. One more week and she's going back to work. She needs to get this body clock fixed.

She thinks about how broke she is now. She blames herself for not saving up for this month long forced vacation. She's gonna get an allowance from the company but it can barely pay her bills. She misses going out with her friends in the city. She can't believe she has to go home to her parents' just cos she's too broke. Oh god, she is pathetic.

It was deja vu, you said.

"You know what? I'd pick you over that woman."

I wasn't sure if you were serious when you said this. But actually, even I would pick myself over that middle-aged, tall, and thin woman dancing ungracefully beside the DJ. Not that I admire myself too much, but she just looked stoned, wasted, and lost. All at the same time.

I just looked at you and laughed. "Yeah?"

You smiled a little. We continued drinking and dancing. We sang out loud as if we own the song. I kept on thinking about things to talk about. I was a bit scared that you might wander around the club and look for other people to talk to because I'm boring. After two songs, I still couldn't think. But you were still there. You didn't leave. I started to feel comfortable.

"You want another drink?"

You asked me as you saw me gulped the last of my Vodka Sprite.

"Um. Sure"
"All right. Let's get a beer!"

You walked towards the bar. I just followed. I felt like I had to 'cos I was the one who invited you to come with me and my friends to this club.

"This is on me!"

I managed to mumble a "thanks" as you handed me the beer. We went back dancing. The music got louder so we couldn't really talk. It was okay, though. I was sure that you wouldn't leave this time. No reason, I just felt sure.

A few songs afterwards, you asked me to roam around the club to meet new people. I can see this is your thing. Going around, talking to people, making new friends. I know that this is my thing, too. But I wasn't feeling like it tonight. So, I just followed you around, unexcited.

You started talking to some random guys. I was laughing a little 'cos I felt that these men thought you are hitting on them. As we walked away from their table, I told you that.

"I think those boys like you."
"What?!" You looked puzzled. Smiling nervously.
"Yeah. I really think they do." I was giggling.
"Nooo waaaay!"

I couldn't help but look at your face when you said this. You have a great smile. Your eyes were smiling, too. We started laughing. Really loud, like we were old friends. You stopped and just stared me.

"Wanna go out and get some fresh air?"

Should I? I was trying to think quickly. I was still undecided, but whatever.

"Sure. Let's go."
"But it's drizzling out."

"Do you mind the drizzle?" you asked. "I kind of wanna sit on the shore."
"No. I don't" I actually do. But I was being a push-over so whatever.

It's really dark now. We walked far enough from the club. Far enough from its loud music. Now, it's quiet. Just the waves crashing on the sand.

"I love the beach."

I can see that you do. I looked at the waves. Though there is nothing to see tonight, I still looked. I can feel you're looking at me.

"Me, too. The waves are just..." Lightnig struck and thunder rumbled. I had to stop. I get nervous with lightning and thunder.

"Hahahaha! You should've seen your face! You were really scared! You are so cute!"

I didn't know if you were making fun of me or giving me a compliment. I laughed, too.

"As I was saying, the waves are just relaxing. They're beautiful."
"Yeah. You are, too."

And now, you are making me feel nervous. In a good way, I guess. I let out a small smile.

"Have you ever heard about deja vu?" You asked.
"Yes I have. Why?"
"When I was in a club in another country, I met this girl."

Oh. I guess this guy really likes clubbing. And meeting girls. This is what I thought.

"We were just both at the bar, not dancing. We started talking and we sort of clicked. I didn't notice that two hours have already passed."

You are a good talker, that's why. I know I should listen to your story but my thoughts keep butting in.

"We decided to go outside to get some fresh air. And we talked again." You started smiling a little. I think it's because you think I can already see the deja vu in your story.

"And then, after hours of talking again, her friends started looking for her. They were already calling her cell. They sent messages saying that they left her already. Hahaha. We were both panicking at that time."

"So, what did you do?" I asked. I'm getting used to the sound of your voice. It was deep, but somehow, still sounded like a boy.

"So, I decided to take her where she needs to be. We took the bus and I dropped her off her friends' place. The sun has already risen that time. Before I left her, we kissed." You looked at me as you said the word "kissed". My heart started beating faster.

I tried playing it cool. "So where's the deja vu? Do you think my friends are looking for me? Are they gonna leave me?" I tried joking. But I'm really really really nervous now. I didn't know where to look because you were just staring at me. Like there's something you want to say. You looked so serious. But you were smiling a little.

"No. It's not that. It's this."

I can see you moving your face closer to mine. I didn't know what to do. Should I look away? Should I stand up and run? Should I push your face away? I couldn't decide so I just stopped thinking. I just sat there, looking at your eyes. I felt my face burning as your nose touched mine. I just closed my eyes. And waited. My hands started sweating. I think my eyelids are twitching. I can feel my lips trembling. They stopped as we kissed.

Maling pamilya?

Minsan, naiisip ko na ipinanganak siguro ako sa maling pamilya.
Ang tatay, matalino. Palaging nagtatrabaho ang utak. Palaging produktibo sa pagsusulat, pagbabasa, o di kaya pagguhit.
Ang nanay, maimis. Walis dito, walis doon. Tiklop dito, tiklop doon. Linis dito, linis doon.
Ang bunso, masipag. Kung hindi nagbabasa, nagreresearch yan. Kung hindi gumagawa ng assignment, nagaayos ng kwarto.
E ako? Nakahiga. Nakatulala. Madalas kausap ang sarili. Nanonood. Nagpapalaki ng tyan. Tamad.
Kaya minsan, naiisip ko baka ipinaganak ako sa maling pamilya.

Kanina, maaga silang nagising lahat. Bumangon lang ako sa katok sa pintuan. Tapos, balik ulit sa pagtulog.
Ang akin, bakit ba? Bakasyon ako. Anong saysay ng pagbangon? Silang lahat abala. Sa eskwela at sa trabaho. Walis, linis, luto. Ligo, sepilyo, pasok. Ako, ibalot ang sarili sa kumot. Maling pamilya.

Kanina, sa hapag kainan. "Ikaw ang bahala sa labandera." Si nanay. Ayan na naman sa mga bilin nya. Kung tutuusin, okay lang dapat. Wala naman akong ginagawa. Pero nainis ako. Bakit? Kasi tinatamad ako. Bakasyon ako. Bakit may gagawin ako? Tsktsk. Irap. Buntong-hininga. Maling pamilya ata talaga.

Ngayon. Nakikita kong nakatingin si nanay sakin. Nagwawalis na naman sya. Nakatitig sya kasi nakahiga lang ako habang kung ano anong kinakalikot sa laptop ko. Nakatitig lang sya. Pero alam ko na nanghuhusga sya. Ano kayang iniisip nya? Siguro iniisip nya, "ang tamad ng batang ito", "bakit wala siyang ginagawa". Siguro ganun. Pero, bakasyon ako eh. Bakit ba.

Ngayon, ang naiisip ko lang. Bakit hindi sila mapirme? Bakit sila galaw ng galaw, gawa ng gawa? Hindi ba sila napapagod? Hindi ba sila marunong magpahinga? Masarap magpahinga. Masarap humilata. Masarap gumawa ng wala. Masarap ang walang ginagawa. Sige, tamad na kung tamad. Sige, batugan kung batugan. Iba na kung iba sainyo. Naiiba talaga ako. Misan, naiisip ko, ipinanganak yata ako sa maling pamilya.