She hasn't written anything for over a week. She's frustrated. She promised herself that even if she has to go back to work, she would still write. She told herself a month ago that nothing should get in the way of her writing. Because this is something that she should not pressure herself to do; it should come naturally. But apparently, she hasn't gotten over her "focus" issues yet.
She started working two weeks ago and she has been busy since. Her mind functions only when it's about work. She tried writing but nothing comes out. The process only ends up with frustration and guilt. She gets frustrated when she can't write; she gets guilty because she feels lazy that she can't write.
She worries a lot these past 2 weeks too. she worries about her low output at work. In turn, she worries about the low pay that she's going to get. She has to pay rent and bills. She's become terrified because she knows that her salary wouldn't be enough for everything. She's now learning how to become thrifty. She has too. She needs to. She tries to think of ways to earn money. Maybe she even has to get another job to make ends meet. She feels pathetic and hopeless. She never imagined her life to be like this.
She thinks about the times when she just spent and spent. She spent on trips, concerts, movies, and fine dining. She spent on clothes and shoes. She realized that if she just saved some of her money then, maybe she has something now. But she knows that all the things and places she spent on are all worth it. Poor, but filled with experiences--that's what she is. That's fulfilling, she thought.
It just sucks that she has to worry about money, but she doesn't regret anything that she did or bought. She's a millenial; this is what millenials do. And actually, she is not planning on cutting down her expenses on trips and concerts and movies. She wants to experience more. She wants to live more. She just has to learn how to save though. For rainy days like these, savings are important.
She realized that she's growing up. She's maturing. But it doesn't bother her anymore. Her 2012 self would have been very terrified. Back then, she took a toast saying "here's to never growing up". Well, things change. Under certain circumstances, she knows she has to grow up. Everybody has to, at some point. And this is her time. But in spite of this, she knows that deep down, she is still that little girl figuring out where to put the final piece on her Lego robot.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Empty now.
She knows she isn't pretty. She doesn't have the perfect nose, the perfect smile. Her hair flies away to wherever it pleases. She has an oily forehead. Her lips are chappy and she doesn't know how to put on make up. But whatever she lacks in physical appearance, she tries to compensate with confidence.
You're not pretty, but you're cool, she always tells herself. Just be funny and throw witty punchlines, she always keeps in mind. She tries so much not to be insecure. She tries so much to not care with how she looks. She tries so much not to drown herself in self pity and self doubt. For 21 years she succeeded in doing so. But everyone's game changes. And today, hers did.
All those years of building her high self esteem. All those years of self pep talks. All those years of believing with what she has. All those years now gone down the drain. All because she let her guards down. All because she let people in her life. All because she trusted too much. All because she loved too much.
Now her ghosts come alive. She waves her white flag and let them swallow her. She just let them drag her down. She couldn't fight them this time. She couldn't hold on anymore. She's empty now. She's empty now.
You're not pretty, but you're cool, she always tells herself. Just be funny and throw witty punchlines, she always keeps in mind. She tries so much not to be insecure. She tries so much to not care with how she looks. She tries so much not to drown herself in self pity and self doubt. For 21 years she succeeded in doing so. But everyone's game changes. And today, hers did.
All those years of building her high self esteem. All those years of self pep talks. All those years of believing with what she has. All those years now gone down the drain. All because she let her guards down. All because she let people in her life. All because she trusted too much. All because she loved too much.
Now her ghosts come alive. She waves her white flag and let them swallow her. She just let them drag her down. She couldn't fight them this time. She couldn't hold on anymore. She's empty now. She's empty now.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Running and better.
I had a dream that I was running. Just running. Not away from someone or something. Not towards anyone, anything, or anywhere. Just running. It was like my usual afternoon run. I got nothing on my mind but the thought that I gotta run, just because I want to. The road I was taking was very unfamiliar though. I haven't been there before. On my left was a fastfood joint. The road looks like a skyway, but it didn't ghave any railings. I was running in full speed so I was a little afraid that I might fall down. As I look at what's below the skyway, I saw a Chinese temple. It was very vivid. The intricate dragon carvings on its roof. The pointed, towering roof. I moved away from the edge of the road, afraid I might fall into the temple. I moved to the other side of the road 'cos the sight of the temple distracts me and gives me a feeling that I'm really gonna fall down. A few more seconds and I was okay. I got back my pace and kept running.
Running, running, and running.
No panting, sweating. No getting tired. Just running. I had this feeling that I haven't felt before. I have no words to describe it, but it's like that feeling when you finally remembered something that you have been trying to remember for days. It's like that feeling when you're finally able to buy something that you've been saving up for for months. It's like that feeling of getting off of a plane in another country. It's like that feeling of a first kiss. It's like that feeling that I got when I finally graduated from college. It's like those feelings, but better. It was way way better.
I woke up from this dream feeling ecstatic. I woke up feeling that finally I know what to do with my life. I woke up feeling that I can do anything, accomplish everything.I haven't felt this way for a long time. For the first time, in a long time, I felt free. Free from all the worries that I have. Free from all the guilt, the sadness, the heartbreak. Free from all the insecurities, the doubts, the self-pity. Free from all the bad vibes.
For the first time, in a long time, I feel okay. I feel good. I feel better. I am better.
Running, running, and running.
No panting, sweating. No getting tired. Just running. I had this feeling that I haven't felt before. I have no words to describe it, but it's like that feeling when you finally remembered something that you have been trying to remember for days. It's like that feeling when you're finally able to buy something that you've been saving up for for months. It's like that feeling of getting off of a plane in another country. It's like that feeling of a first kiss. It's like that feeling that I got when I finally graduated from college. It's like those feelings, but better. It was way way better.
I woke up from this dream feeling ecstatic. I woke up feeling that finally I know what to do with my life. I woke up feeling that I can do anything, accomplish everything.I haven't felt this way for a long time. For the first time, in a long time, I felt free. Free from all the worries that I have. Free from all the guilt, the sadness, the heartbreak. Free from all the insecurities, the doubts, the self-pity. Free from all the bad vibes.
For the first time, in a long time, I feel okay. I feel good. I feel better. I am better.
She #6
She woke up to Sweet Child o' Mine of Guns 'n Roses. This is the perfect alarm by far, she thought. She checked the time, 9 am. She checked if her company is up. Not yet. She went back to sleep again. She woke up again after half an hour. Her roommate and her roommate's sister are up now. She got up and fix her things. They are driving down South today, back home.
Her legs are aching from all the walking around and not sitting down at last night's gig. They went to a bar/cafe to take pictures for her roommate's sister's school project. There were 6 or 7 bands who played. It was really a small place and the music blasted right to her ears. She was still hearing a high frequency sound and it bothered her a little. It's gonna be okay soon, she thought.
They were on the road just about half past ten. She can tell that everyone's tired. Their voices all cracked, a sign that no one got any decent sleep. But it's alright. She can also tell that they enjoyed last night. Even though they got lost. It was their first time going to that bar. They downloaded a map from Google but ended up getting lost anyway. They just made fun of the street names as their inside joke.
Her roommate's sister drove really fast. She didn't usually like riding in fast cars, but oddly, she felt safe in this one. They stopped by Mcdonald's to get lunch. She was in the backseat but fastened her seatbelt when she got her food. The car's too fast, I might choke on my fries, she thought.
She got home at around 1pm. She felt really tired. She dragged herself up to her room, changed into fresh clothes, and crawled into her bed. Oh rest finally, she thought. It felt like she had been awake for a year. The exhaustion finally got her and she fell asleep. She could tell that it was a very deep sleep because when she woke up, it was dark. It was dinner time. She knew because her stomach is already rumbling. She ate like she was dying tomorrow. Halfway though her second helping, she started feeling sleepy again. So she stopped. The dog can have this, she thought. Again, she dragged herself up to her room and crawled back to sleep.
This is what a lazy person does, sleep all day, she thought. But who can blame her? She was really exhausted. And besides, she starts working again tomorrow. She needs this. She needs all the sleep that she can have. 'Cos the next day will be very different from the past 35 days that she had. The next day takes her back to reality.
Her legs are aching from all the walking around and not sitting down at last night's gig. They went to a bar/cafe to take pictures for her roommate's sister's school project. There were 6 or 7 bands who played. It was really a small place and the music blasted right to her ears. She was still hearing a high frequency sound and it bothered her a little. It's gonna be okay soon, she thought.
They were on the road just about half past ten. She can tell that everyone's tired. Their voices all cracked, a sign that no one got any decent sleep. But it's alright. She can also tell that they enjoyed last night. Even though they got lost. It was their first time going to that bar. They downloaded a map from Google but ended up getting lost anyway. They just made fun of the street names as their inside joke.
Her roommate's sister drove really fast. She didn't usually like riding in fast cars, but oddly, she felt safe in this one. They stopped by Mcdonald's to get lunch. She was in the backseat but fastened her seatbelt when she got her food. The car's too fast, I might choke on my fries, she thought.
She got home at around 1pm. She felt really tired. She dragged herself up to her room, changed into fresh clothes, and crawled into her bed. Oh rest finally, she thought. It felt like she had been awake for a year. The exhaustion finally got her and she fell asleep. She could tell that it was a very deep sleep because when she woke up, it was dark. It was dinner time. She knew because her stomach is already rumbling. She ate like she was dying tomorrow. Halfway though her second helping, she started feeling sleepy again. So she stopped. The dog can have this, she thought. Again, she dragged herself up to her room and crawled back to sleep.
This is what a lazy person does, sleep all day, she thought. But who can blame her? She was really exhausted. And besides, she starts working again tomorrow. She needs this. She needs all the sleep that she can have. 'Cos the next day will be very different from the past 35 days that she had. The next day takes her back to reality.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
She #5
She was awakened by the sound of knocking on her door. It's her sister. She was too sleepy to understand a word she said. She went back to bed and checked the time. Fucking 5:50 am, she thought. It was too early for her to wake up so she snuggled back to bed. But she couldn't seem to get her sleep back. Her sister appeared to have gained 100 million more pounds in her feet. Her footsteps were very loud. She tried covering herself with the blanket and her ears with her stuffed toys. The mickey mouse on the left, the bunny on the right. Cozy enough, she thought. And then the sister turned up her morning psyche mix. Oh no Alicia Keys, don't be on fire at this time, not at this time, she thought. But it was too late. Alicia made her way to the top of the world singing ooh woooah ooh. She was pissed, so pissed she fell asleep again.
She woke up for the second time at the sound of her father's voice. Defrost the fridge, he said. Fine, I will, she said. Still half asleep. She checked the time, it was 9 am. Too early for her usual wake-up time but whatever she's up anyway.
She ignored breakfast once again. Just a glass of water would suffice, she thought. It did for another 3 hours. Lunch time and she was still in bed. She just finished watching a couple of The Big Bang Theory episodes. She also caught up with Catfish the TV series. She sure does watch a lot of series.
She decided to have lunch in bed. Nobody's home anyway, she thought. While munching on rice and ground beef, she was talking to her friend about her latest blog entries. The friend was teasing her on being too cheesy. It was true, she felt cheesy. But who cares, she thought. It's her blog. She just kept talking to her friend. They exchanged thoughts about her entries. The friend told her she writes well. She was flattered. Very much flattered. Nobody has ever told her that before. She felt good. She decided she would continue writing. She decided to start slow. Write what you know and experience, she thought. That's the best way to begin, she thought.
She was energized with the thought that she'll keep writing. This was the most excited she was for weeks. She wanted to go out and meet up with friends now. She just wanted to see them. She wanted to talk, she wanted to laugh. Enough with the TV series today, she thought. She was just so excited that she wanted to be around people. Today would be fun, she told herself.
And finally, after two days, she decided to take that shower.
She woke up for the second time at the sound of her father's voice. Defrost the fridge, he said. Fine, I will, she said. Still half asleep. She checked the time, it was 9 am. Too early for her usual wake-up time but whatever she's up anyway.
She ignored breakfast once again. Just a glass of water would suffice, she thought. It did for another 3 hours. Lunch time and she was still in bed. She just finished watching a couple of The Big Bang Theory episodes. She also caught up with Catfish the TV series. She sure does watch a lot of series.
She decided to have lunch in bed. Nobody's home anyway, she thought. While munching on rice and ground beef, she was talking to her friend about her latest blog entries. The friend was teasing her on being too cheesy. It was true, she felt cheesy. But who cares, she thought. It's her blog. She just kept talking to her friend. They exchanged thoughts about her entries. The friend told her she writes well. She was flattered. Very much flattered. Nobody has ever told her that before. She felt good. She decided she would continue writing. She decided to start slow. Write what you know and experience, she thought. That's the best way to begin, she thought.
She was energized with the thought that she'll keep writing. This was the most excited she was for weeks. She wanted to go out and meet up with friends now. She just wanted to see them. She wanted to talk, she wanted to laugh. Enough with the TV series today, she thought. She was just so excited that she wanted to be around people. Today would be fun, she told herself.
And finally, after two days, she decided to take that shower.
Friday, August 2, 2013
She #4
She realized that her vacation is ending in 33 hours. This saddens her. Even though nothing much happened in her life for the past month, she was contented and happy. She might have complained a lot for being unproductive and lazy, but she just had to admit, she liked it. She liked bumming around. Eating only when she feels like it. Taking a shower when she can't take the stink anymore. Waking up or getting up whenever she likes. She kinda got used to this routine already. And it sucks that this vacation is ending.
Earlier today, she got an email from the employer where she did the product description challenge for. She didn't get the job. She just shrugged. She didn't care actually. Enough of the part time home based jobs, she thought. She decided she's going to look for jobs that she really wants. Like event planning and organizing. She actually found a good one yesterday. She felt really drawn to this company. So she fixed her CV and emailed it. Her fingers were crossed for this one. She thought that it's okay if her other wishes don't come true. Just this one, she thought. She prayed out loud. Please let me get this one, please, she said.
She felt like she isn't good enough for that company. Maybe she isn't hip enough. Or pretty enough. Maybe she doesn't have enough experiences. Or awards. Or skills. She felt bad that she feels like this about herself. She looked in the mirror and tried giving herself compliments. You are smart. You are energetic. You are funny. It kind of worked. She stopped thinking about rejection.
She's back to watching Girls again. It's that episode which she hates the most. It's the one where Hannah sleeps with Joshua, the doctor. She never liked this one. Too intimate for her. She watched it anyway. And she felt bad afterwards. She had to watch the next episode to shake off the uncomfortable feeling that she suddenly got. That next one is where Ezra Koenig had an appearance. She decided to listen to Vampire Weekend as the episode ended.
She still hates that her laptop's hard drive crashed a month ago. All of her music were gone. Now, she had to re-download a discography of Vampire Weekend. She cringes when she thinks about the number of songs that were victimized of that unfortunate hard drive crash. As if she can do anything about that now. She chose to listen to the latest album of the band. She really likes the song Hannah Hunt. She thought that this one should be used in the next season of Girls.
She checked her queued blog entries. She had to edit one but her browser is too slow. She felt so frustrated. She kept on hitting refresh but nothing happens. Alright whatever. She can edit it later, she thought. It's past 4pm now. Time is really moving quickly lately, she thought. She has to catch up, she thought. She closed her browsers, turned up Vampire Weekend, and started writing.
Earlier today, she got an email from the employer where she did the product description challenge for. She didn't get the job. She just shrugged. She didn't care actually. Enough of the part time home based jobs, she thought. She decided she's going to look for jobs that she really wants. Like event planning and organizing. She actually found a good one yesterday. She felt really drawn to this company. So she fixed her CV and emailed it. Her fingers were crossed for this one. She thought that it's okay if her other wishes don't come true. Just this one, she thought. She prayed out loud. Please let me get this one, please, she said.
She felt like she isn't good enough for that company. Maybe she isn't hip enough. Or pretty enough. Maybe she doesn't have enough experiences. Or awards. Or skills. She felt bad that she feels like this about herself. She looked in the mirror and tried giving herself compliments. You are smart. You are energetic. You are funny. It kind of worked. She stopped thinking about rejection.
She's back to watching Girls again. It's that episode which she hates the most. It's the one where Hannah sleeps with Joshua, the doctor. She never liked this one. Too intimate for her. She watched it anyway. And she felt bad afterwards. She had to watch the next episode to shake off the uncomfortable feeling that she suddenly got. That next one is where Ezra Koenig had an appearance. She decided to listen to Vampire Weekend as the episode ended.
She still hates that her laptop's hard drive crashed a month ago. All of her music were gone. Now, she had to re-download a discography of Vampire Weekend. She cringes when she thinks about the number of songs that were victimized of that unfortunate hard drive crash. As if she can do anything about that now. She chose to listen to the latest album of the band. She really likes the song Hannah Hunt. She thought that this one should be used in the next season of Girls.
She checked her queued blog entries. She had to edit one but her browser is too slow. She felt so frustrated. She kept on hitting refresh but nothing happens. Alright whatever. She can edit it later, she thought. It's past 4pm now. Time is really moving quickly lately, she thought. She has to catch up, she thought. She closed her browsers, turned up Vampire Weekend, and started writing.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
She #3
She didn't check her planner today. Her head felt heavy when she woke up, so she decided that she will be no good in accomplishing any tasks for the whole day. In fact, for the whole week, as per the heaviness of her head. She woke up early, relative to the time of her sleep last night (this morning). The heavy head could be a result of this lack of sleep.
She stayed in bed until she felt hunger crawling up her stomach. Laziness clouded her as she tried to get up. She would've stayed in bed, but her stomach started to gnaw itself. This has always been an issue with her mornings. Which one does she choose? Laziness or hunger? She thought, hunger should win. And for a little bit, she was proud of herself for not letting laziness win.
Her morning was somewhat productive based on what she has been doing her whole vacation month. One employer of a homebased part time job she applied to replied to her application. She was able to accomplished a product description "challenge" that would determine her fate in this job. She was all smiles when she finished the activity. The result will be given tomorrow. And she's back to bumming again.
Rain started pouring come lunch time. Another reason for her to just wrap herself with her blanket and curl in bed. She did this while uncomfortably holding her laptop, browsing through Facebook and Twitter. When things got boring, she started watching her favorite series, Girls. She's in the 2nd season and this is the 5th time that she's rerunning the episodes. She basically knows all the words. Just like Mean Girls. She loves how she can watch this show repeatedly without losing interest. She loves how she relates to the story. She loves how she feels like she's one of them.
Six episodes after, the rain is still pouring hard. Her head started throbbing from all the lying down and watching. She felt like she is going to have flu or a bad fever. She knows that feeling. She was a bit scared but mostly, indifferent. She doesn't care if she gets sick. So what? Staying in bed is nice, she thought. She decided to get up and walk around her room. Just to stretch a little, maybe it could help. And it actually did. She felt a little better, but the sniffles are coming, she can feel it. In spite of the sick feeling, she managed to make a mix for today. She called it "Monday Mix". She put random songs which have the word "Monday" in their titles. She was able to include 15 songs in this mix. Her favorite is Blue Monday by Flunk.
Evening comes. She hasn't taken a shower. The weather is too cold so she dismissed the call of cleanliness this time. She started taking photos of her latest artwork and her Scarlet Johansson movie posters and posted them in Instagram. She also created an "artsy" video of her idea notebook and tried posting it but the device she's using just kept on crashing. Well, it sucks.
Dinner. Chores. And she's back to watching Girls. Another lazy day, she thought. What to do to make it less lazy? She decided to post something in her blog. Her friend started blogging again and she reads his blog and his posts are good. She felt envious. Why can't she keep a blog? Why can't she write for her blog? So she decided to post some things she wrote. She scheduled them so she won't appear too excited. As if people read her blog! She laughed at herself for thinking this. But she scheduled the posts anyway.
She didn't promote her new post right away. She isn't comfortable with that latest post. She just wanted to post something, really. She didn't edit that one. Whoever reads it, hates it. This is what she thought. But whatever. She published it anyway and it's okay. Nobody cares and she doesn't either.
She felt like she can smell herself and that she stinks. So a shower is needed before bed. What a lazy day, she thought. But at the back of her mind, she was also thinking that today is productive. She was able to resurrect her blog. She was able to make a mix, too.
She stayed in bed until she felt hunger crawling up her stomach. Laziness clouded her as she tried to get up. She would've stayed in bed, but her stomach started to gnaw itself. This has always been an issue with her mornings. Which one does she choose? Laziness or hunger? She thought, hunger should win. And for a little bit, she was proud of herself for not letting laziness win.
Her morning was somewhat productive based on what she has been doing her whole vacation month. One employer of a homebased part time job she applied to replied to her application. She was able to accomplished a product description "challenge" that would determine her fate in this job. She was all smiles when she finished the activity. The result will be given tomorrow. And she's back to bumming again.
Rain started pouring come lunch time. Another reason for her to just wrap herself with her blanket and curl in bed. She did this while uncomfortably holding her laptop, browsing through Facebook and Twitter. When things got boring, she started watching her favorite series, Girls. She's in the 2nd season and this is the 5th time that she's rerunning the episodes. She basically knows all the words. Just like Mean Girls. She loves how she can watch this show repeatedly without losing interest. She loves how she relates to the story. She loves how she feels like she's one of them.
Six episodes after, the rain is still pouring hard. Her head started throbbing from all the lying down and watching. She felt like she is going to have flu or a bad fever. She knows that feeling. She was a bit scared but mostly, indifferent. She doesn't care if she gets sick. So what? Staying in bed is nice, she thought. She decided to get up and walk around her room. Just to stretch a little, maybe it could help. And it actually did. She felt a little better, but the sniffles are coming, she can feel it. In spite of the sick feeling, she managed to make a mix for today. She called it "Monday Mix". She put random songs which have the word "Monday" in their titles. She was able to include 15 songs in this mix. Her favorite is Blue Monday by Flunk.
Evening comes. She hasn't taken a shower. The weather is too cold so she dismissed the call of cleanliness this time. She started taking photos of her latest artwork and her Scarlet Johansson movie posters and posted them in Instagram. She also created an "artsy" video of her idea notebook and tried posting it but the device she's using just kept on crashing. Well, it sucks.
Dinner. Chores. And she's back to watching Girls. Another lazy day, she thought. What to do to make it less lazy? She decided to post something in her blog. Her friend started blogging again and she reads his blog and his posts are good. She felt envious. Why can't she keep a blog? Why can't she write for her blog? So she decided to post some things she wrote. She scheduled them so she won't appear too excited. As if people read her blog! She laughed at herself for thinking this. But she scheduled the posts anyway.
She didn't promote her new post right away. She isn't comfortable with that latest post. She just wanted to post something, really. She didn't edit that one. Whoever reads it, hates it. This is what she thought. But whatever. She published it anyway and it's okay. Nobody cares and she doesn't either.
She felt like she can smell herself and that she stinks. So a shower is needed before bed. What a lazy day, she thought. But at the back of her mind, she was also thinking that today is productive. She was able to resurrect her blog. She was able to make a mix, too.
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