She #7

She hasn't written anything for over a week. She's frustrated. She promised herself that even if she has to go back to work, she would still write. She told herself a month ago that nothing should get in the way of her writing. Because this is something that she should not pressure herself to do; it should come naturally. But apparently, she hasn't gotten over her "focus" issues yet.

She started working two weeks ago and she has been busy since. Her mind functions only when it's about work. She tried writing but nothing comes out. The process only ends up with frustration and guilt. She gets frustrated when she can't write; she gets guilty because she feels lazy that she can't write.

She worries a lot these past 2 weeks too. she worries about her low output at work. In turn, she worries about the low pay that she's going to get. She has to pay rent and bills. She's become terrified because she knows that her salary wouldn't be enough for everything. She's now learning how to become thrifty. She has too. She needs to. She tries to think of ways to earn money. Maybe she even has to get another job to make ends meet. She feels pathetic and hopeless. She never imagined her life to be like this.

She thinks about the times when she just spent and spent. She spent on trips, concerts, movies, and fine dining. She spent on clothes and shoes. She realized that if she just saved some of her money then, maybe she has something now. But she knows that all the things and places she spent on are all worth it. Poor, but filled with experiences--that's what she is. That's fulfilling, she thought.

It just sucks that she has to worry about money, but she doesn't regret anything that she did or bought. She's a millenial; this is what millenials do. And actually, she is not planning on cutting down her expenses on trips and concerts and movies. She wants to experience more. She wants to live more. She just has to learn how to save though. For rainy days like these, savings are important.

She realized that she's growing up. She's maturing. But it doesn't bother her anymore. Her 2012 self would have been very terrified. Back then, she took a toast saying "here's to never growing up". Well, things change. Under certain circumstances, she knows she has to grow up. Everybody has to, at some point. And this is her time. But in spite of this, she knows that deep down, she is still that little girl figuring out where to put the final piece on her Lego robot.