She couldn't stay put again. She recently downloaded Before Midnight and was watching it when her mind started to drift away. She felt like she was in the movie, having dinner with the characters and then started to drift away in her own world. She hit pause and walked around her room. Why does she keep on having these moments where she can't focus? It's starting to get in her nerves. She wants her focus back. She wants to be able to finish things without getting interrupted by her own mind. But how? She has been like this since childhood, so it seems like there is no way she can ever be otherwise.
She started writing. She started writing about how she couldn't focus on what she's doing. She expected that in no time, she's gonna close the notepad and do another thing. Because that's what happens. She just gets lost. But this time, she got surprised by her own self. She is actually focused in typing every single thing that comes to her head.
When she noticed that she is focused in writing, the train of thought got lost again. She panicked. But it's too late, she couldn't get it back again.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
I can see the sea in your eyes, you said.
"You know what I like about you?"
You were smiling so goofy when you asked me this. I'll never get used to your sweetness. I just let out a small giggle.
"You are so energetic. You seem always happy. You're cute, too."
"Uhm. Thanks." I tried to sound cool and relaxed.
"And my favorite, I can see the sea in your eyes. Your eyes are beautiful."
This took me aback. I felt the color leave my face. I must have looked like I've seen a ghost. I didn't know what to say. I actually didn't believe you. I thought that maybe you were just trying to flatter me. Or you were just giving me false compliments so I'd keep hanging out. I just stared at you, puzzled.
"What? Really? Why?"
I can see the sea in your eyes. Who says that? I thought to myself. That's ridiculously beautiful. Damn. It's as if you have a script from a romantic movie. You say all the damn right things.
"Why do you look so surprised? They are beautiful. They are all round and big and when you look at the sea, I can see it from your eyes. You don't believe me, do you?"
"I don't know. It's just..Nobody has ever told me that."
"Alright then. I'll show you."
You made look towards the sea. Just look at the waves, you said. So I did. Then, you took your camera out and took a few shots. You were smiling at the pictures.
"Why are you smiling? Let me see!" I snatched the camera away from you.
"Look at those eyes. Do you believe me now?"
I do. I believe you now. I didn't recognize my eyes. They just look so beautiful. The sea, the waves, and even the sky are reflected in those eyes. Are those really mine? I have, or at least any part of me, never felt beautiful in my life. I can feel my tears starting to build up. But I can't cry. Not in front of you.
"Wow. You're right. Thanks for telling me."
"No problem. I love them. I love looking at your eyes. And at you. And I love spending time with you."
You know that I do, too. I didn't have to say this. I just held your hand and rested my head on your shoulder. I wished that this afternoon never ends. I wished that we can stay like this for as long as we want. I wished that we wouldn't have to leave this place. I wished that it would just be us, the sea, the waves, and this island. But the season will change. And so will we.
You were smiling so goofy when you asked me this. I'll never get used to your sweetness. I just let out a small giggle.
"You are so energetic. You seem always happy. You're cute, too."
"Uhm. Thanks." I tried to sound cool and relaxed.
"And my favorite, I can see the sea in your eyes. Your eyes are beautiful."
This took me aback. I felt the color leave my face. I must have looked like I've seen a ghost. I didn't know what to say. I actually didn't believe you. I thought that maybe you were just trying to flatter me. Or you were just giving me false compliments so I'd keep hanging out. I just stared at you, puzzled.
"What? Really? Why?"
I can see the sea in your eyes. Who says that? I thought to myself. That's ridiculously beautiful. Damn. It's as if you have a script from a romantic movie. You say all the damn right things.
"Why do you look so surprised? They are beautiful. They are all round and big and when you look at the sea, I can see it from your eyes. You don't believe me, do you?"
"I don't know. It's just..Nobody has ever told me that."
"Alright then. I'll show you."
You made look towards the sea. Just look at the waves, you said. So I did. Then, you took your camera out and took a few shots. You were smiling at the pictures.
"Why are you smiling? Let me see!" I snatched the camera away from you.
"Look at those eyes. Do you believe me now?"
I do. I believe you now. I didn't recognize my eyes. They just look so beautiful. The sea, the waves, and even the sky are reflected in those eyes. Are those really mine? I have, or at least any part of me, never felt beautiful in my life. I can feel my tears starting to build up. But I can't cry. Not in front of you.
"Wow. You're right. Thanks for telling me."
"No problem. I love them. I love looking at your eyes. And at you. And I love spending time with you."
You know that I do, too. I didn't have to say this. I just held your hand and rested my head on your shoulder. I wished that this afternoon never ends. I wished that we can stay like this for as long as we want. I wished that we wouldn't have to leave this place. I wished that it would just be us, the sea, the waves, and this island. But the season will change. And so will we.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
She #1
She started feeling uncomfortable with how her room looks like. She thought that she needs to rearrange some things to let the good vibes in her space.
After cleaning, she supposed that she is going to fall asleep because of the exhaustion. But it was otherwise; she was wide awake despite the tiring task of rearranging her things. She decided to watch a movie, but kept on pausing and un-pausing because she did small tasks in between. She couldn't focus, actually. The movie's done. She still couldn't sleep.
Tinkering through her father's memory card, she found a 3-volume anthology of The Beatles' songs. She wasn't born in the 60's to swoon over the four-piece british rock band, but she is a big fan, nonetheless. She sang to almost all of the songs. Her father influenced her familiarity to the songs. She grew up listening to everything The Beatles' played. Her all time favorite is All My Loving. But she gets emotional when she listens to Norweigan Wood.
10 songs yet she still couldn't sleep. She's starting to feel annoyed because she has nothing left to do anymore but to sleep. It has been like this for weeks now. She's up mostly during the night and wakes up past lunch time. Yes, she gets enough sleep, but not at the right schedule. One more week and she's going back to work. She needs to get this body clock fixed.
She thinks about how broke she is now. She blames herself for not saving up for this month long forced vacation. She's gonna get an allowance from the company but it can barely pay her bills. She misses going out with her friends in the city. She can't believe she has to go home to her parents' just cos she's too broke. Oh god, she is pathetic.
After cleaning, she supposed that she is going to fall asleep because of the exhaustion. But it was otherwise; she was wide awake despite the tiring task of rearranging her things. She decided to watch a movie, but kept on pausing and un-pausing because she did small tasks in between. She couldn't focus, actually. The movie's done. She still couldn't sleep.
Tinkering through her father's memory card, she found a 3-volume anthology of The Beatles' songs. She wasn't born in the 60's to swoon over the four-piece british rock band, but she is a big fan, nonetheless. She sang to almost all of the songs. Her father influenced her familiarity to the songs. She grew up listening to everything The Beatles' played. Her all time favorite is All My Loving. But she gets emotional when she listens to Norweigan Wood.
10 songs yet she still couldn't sleep. She's starting to feel annoyed because she has nothing left to do anymore but to sleep. It has been like this for weeks now. She's up mostly during the night and wakes up past lunch time. Yes, she gets enough sleep, but not at the right schedule. One more week and she's going back to work. She needs to get this body clock fixed.
She thinks about how broke she is now. She blames herself for not saving up for this month long forced vacation. She's gonna get an allowance from the company but it can barely pay her bills. She misses going out with her friends in the city. She can't believe she has to go home to her parents' just cos she's too broke. Oh god, she is pathetic.
It was deja vu, you said.
"You know what? I'd pick you over that woman."
I wasn't sure if you were serious when you said this. But actually, even I would pick myself over that middle-aged, tall, and thin woman dancing ungracefully beside the DJ. Not that I admire myself too much, but she just looked stoned, wasted, and lost. All at the same time.
I just looked at you and laughed. "Yeah?"
You smiled a little. We continued drinking and dancing. We sang out loud as if we own the song. I kept on thinking about things to talk about. I was a bit scared that you might wander around the club and look for other people to talk to because I'm boring. After two songs, I still couldn't think. But you were still there. You didn't leave. I started to feel comfortable.
"You want another drink?"
You asked me as you saw me gulped the last of my Vodka Sprite.
"Um. Sure"
"All right. Let's get a beer!"
You walked towards the bar. I just followed. I felt like I had to 'cos I was the one who invited you to come with me and my friends to this club.
"This is on me!"
I managed to mumble a "thanks" as you handed me the beer. We went back dancing. The music got louder so we couldn't really talk. It was okay, though. I was sure that you wouldn't leave this time. No reason, I just felt sure.
A few songs afterwards, you asked me to roam around the club to meet new people. I can see this is your thing. Going around, talking to people, making new friends. I know that this is my thing, too. But I wasn't feeling like it tonight. So, I just followed you around, unexcited.
You started talking to some random guys. I was laughing a little 'cos I felt that these men thought you are hitting on them. As we walked away from their table, I told you that.
"I think those boys like you."
"What?!" You looked puzzled. Smiling nervously.
"Yeah. I really think they do." I was giggling.
"Nooo waaaay!"
I couldn't help but look at your face when you said this. You have a great smile. Your eyes were smiling, too. We started laughing. Really loud, like we were old friends. You stopped and just stared me.
"Wanna go out and get some fresh air?"
Should I? I was trying to think quickly. I was still undecided, but whatever.
"Sure. Let's go."
"But it's drizzling out."
"Do you mind the drizzle?" you asked. "I kind of wanna sit on the shore."
"No. I don't" I actually do. But I was being a push-over so whatever.
It's really dark now. We walked far enough from the club. Far enough from its loud music. Now, it's quiet. Just the waves crashing on the sand.
"I love the beach."
I can see that you do. I looked at the waves. Though there is nothing to see tonight, I still looked. I can feel you're looking at me.
"Me, too. The waves are just..." Lightnig struck and thunder rumbled. I had to stop. I get nervous with lightning and thunder.
"Hahahaha! You should've seen your face! You were really scared! You are so cute!"
I didn't know if you were making fun of me or giving me a compliment. I laughed, too.
"As I was saying, the waves are just relaxing. They're beautiful."
"Yeah. You are, too."
And now, you are making me feel nervous. In a good way, I guess. I let out a small smile.
"Have you ever heard about deja vu?" You asked.
"Yes I have. Why?"
"When I was in a club in another country, I met this girl."
Oh. I guess this guy really likes clubbing. And meeting girls. This is what I thought.
"We were just both at the bar, not dancing. We started talking and we sort of clicked. I didn't notice that two hours have already passed."
You are a good talker, that's why. I know I should listen to your story but my thoughts keep butting in.
"We decided to go outside to get some fresh air. And we talked again." You started smiling a little. I think it's because you think I can already see the deja vu in your story.
"And then, after hours of talking again, her friends started looking for her. They were already calling her cell. They sent messages saying that they left her already. Hahaha. We were both panicking at that time."
"So, what did you do?" I asked. I'm getting used to the sound of your voice. It was deep, but somehow, still sounded like a boy.
"So, I decided to take her where she needs to be. We took the bus and I dropped her off her friends' place. The sun has already risen that time. Before I left her, we kissed." You looked at me as you said the word "kissed". My heart started beating faster.
I tried playing it cool. "So where's the deja vu? Do you think my friends are looking for me? Are they gonna leave me?" I tried joking. But I'm really really really nervous now. I didn't know where to look because you were just staring at me. Like there's something you want to say. You looked so serious. But you were smiling a little.
"No. It's not that. It's this."
I can see you moving your face closer to mine. I didn't know what to do. Should I look away? Should I stand up and run? Should I push your face away? I couldn't decide so I just stopped thinking. I just sat there, looking at your eyes. I felt my face burning as your nose touched mine. I just closed my eyes. And waited. My hands started sweating. I think my eyelids are twitching. I can feel my lips trembling. They stopped as we kissed.
I wasn't sure if you were serious when you said this. But actually, even I would pick myself over that middle-aged, tall, and thin woman dancing ungracefully beside the DJ. Not that I admire myself too much, but she just looked stoned, wasted, and lost. All at the same time.
I just looked at you and laughed. "Yeah?"
You smiled a little. We continued drinking and dancing. We sang out loud as if we own the song. I kept on thinking about things to talk about. I was a bit scared that you might wander around the club and look for other people to talk to because I'm boring. After two songs, I still couldn't think. But you were still there. You didn't leave. I started to feel comfortable.
"You want another drink?"
You asked me as you saw me gulped the last of my Vodka Sprite.
"Um. Sure"
"All right. Let's get a beer!"
You walked towards the bar. I just followed. I felt like I had to 'cos I was the one who invited you to come with me and my friends to this club.
"This is on me!"
I managed to mumble a "thanks" as you handed me the beer. We went back dancing. The music got louder so we couldn't really talk. It was okay, though. I was sure that you wouldn't leave this time. No reason, I just felt sure.
A few songs afterwards, you asked me to roam around the club to meet new people. I can see this is your thing. Going around, talking to people, making new friends. I know that this is my thing, too. But I wasn't feeling like it tonight. So, I just followed you around, unexcited.
You started talking to some random guys. I was laughing a little 'cos I felt that these men thought you are hitting on them. As we walked away from their table, I told you that.
"I think those boys like you."
"What?!" You looked puzzled. Smiling nervously.
"Yeah. I really think they do." I was giggling.
"Nooo waaaay!"
I couldn't help but look at your face when you said this. You have a great smile. Your eyes were smiling, too. We started laughing. Really loud, like we were old friends. You stopped and just stared me.
"Wanna go out and get some fresh air?"
Should I? I was trying to think quickly. I was still undecided, but whatever.
"Sure. Let's go."
"But it's drizzling out."
"Do you mind the drizzle?" you asked. "I kind of wanna sit on the shore."
"No. I don't" I actually do. But I was being a push-over so whatever.
It's really dark now. We walked far enough from the club. Far enough from its loud music. Now, it's quiet. Just the waves crashing on the sand.
"I love the beach."
I can see that you do. I looked at the waves. Though there is nothing to see tonight, I still looked. I can feel you're looking at me.
"Me, too. The waves are just..." Lightnig struck and thunder rumbled. I had to stop. I get nervous with lightning and thunder.
"Hahahaha! You should've seen your face! You were really scared! You are so cute!"
I didn't know if you were making fun of me or giving me a compliment. I laughed, too.
"As I was saying, the waves are just relaxing. They're beautiful."
"Yeah. You are, too."
And now, you are making me feel nervous. In a good way, I guess. I let out a small smile.
"Have you ever heard about deja vu?" You asked.
"Yes I have. Why?"
"When I was in a club in another country, I met this girl."
Oh. I guess this guy really likes clubbing. And meeting girls. This is what I thought.
"We were just both at the bar, not dancing. We started talking and we sort of clicked. I didn't notice that two hours have already passed."
You are a good talker, that's why. I know I should listen to your story but my thoughts keep butting in.
"We decided to go outside to get some fresh air. And we talked again." You started smiling a little. I think it's because you think I can already see the deja vu in your story.
"And then, after hours of talking again, her friends started looking for her. They were already calling her cell. They sent messages saying that they left her already. Hahaha. We were both panicking at that time."
"So, what did you do?" I asked. I'm getting used to the sound of your voice. It was deep, but somehow, still sounded like a boy.
"So, I decided to take her where she needs to be. We took the bus and I dropped her off her friends' place. The sun has already risen that time. Before I left her, we kissed." You looked at me as you said the word "kissed". My heart started beating faster.
I tried playing it cool. "So where's the deja vu? Do you think my friends are looking for me? Are they gonna leave me?" I tried joking. But I'm really really really nervous now. I didn't know where to look because you were just staring at me. Like there's something you want to say. You looked so serious. But you were smiling a little.
"No. It's not that. It's this."
I can see you moving your face closer to mine. I didn't know what to do. Should I look away? Should I stand up and run? Should I push your face away? I couldn't decide so I just stopped thinking. I just sat there, looking at your eyes. I felt my face burning as your nose touched mine. I just closed my eyes. And waited. My hands started sweating. I think my eyelids are twitching. I can feel my lips trembling. They stopped as we kissed.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Maling pamilya?
Minsan, naiisip ko na ipinanganak siguro ako sa maling pamilya.
Ang tatay, matalino. Palaging nagtatrabaho ang utak. Palaging produktibo sa pagsusulat, pagbabasa, o di kaya pagguhit.
Ang nanay, maimis. Walis dito, walis doon. Tiklop dito, tiklop doon. Linis dito, linis doon.
Ang bunso, masipag. Kung hindi nagbabasa, nagreresearch yan. Kung hindi gumagawa ng assignment, nagaayos ng kwarto.
E ako? Nakahiga. Nakatulala. Madalas kausap ang sarili. Nanonood. Nagpapalaki ng tyan. Tamad.
Kaya minsan, naiisip ko baka ipinaganak ako sa maling pamilya.
Kanina, maaga silang nagising lahat. Bumangon lang ako sa katok sa pintuan. Tapos, balik ulit sa pagtulog.
Ang akin, bakit ba? Bakasyon ako. Anong saysay ng pagbangon? Silang lahat abala. Sa eskwela at sa trabaho. Walis, linis, luto. Ligo, sepilyo, pasok. Ako, ibalot ang sarili sa kumot. Maling pamilya.
Kanina, sa hapag kainan. "Ikaw ang bahala sa labandera." Si nanay. Ayan na naman sa mga bilin nya. Kung tutuusin, okay lang dapat. Wala naman akong ginagawa. Pero nainis ako. Bakit? Kasi tinatamad ako. Bakasyon ako. Bakit may gagawin ako? Tsktsk. Irap. Buntong-hininga. Maling pamilya ata talaga.
Ngayon. Nakikita kong nakatingin si nanay sakin. Nagwawalis na naman sya. Nakatitig sya kasi nakahiga lang ako habang kung ano anong kinakalikot sa laptop ko. Nakatitig lang sya. Pero alam ko na nanghuhusga sya. Ano kayang iniisip nya? Siguro iniisip nya, "ang tamad ng batang ito", "bakit wala siyang ginagawa". Siguro ganun. Pero, bakasyon ako eh. Bakit ba.
Ngayon, ang naiisip ko lang. Bakit hindi sila mapirme? Bakit sila galaw ng galaw, gawa ng gawa? Hindi ba sila napapagod? Hindi ba sila marunong magpahinga? Masarap magpahinga. Masarap humilata. Masarap gumawa ng wala. Masarap ang walang ginagawa. Sige, tamad na kung tamad. Sige, batugan kung batugan. Iba na kung iba sainyo. Naiiba talaga ako. Misan, naiisip ko, ipinanganak yata ako sa maling pamilya.
Ang tatay, matalino. Palaging nagtatrabaho ang utak. Palaging produktibo sa pagsusulat, pagbabasa, o di kaya pagguhit.
Ang nanay, maimis. Walis dito, walis doon. Tiklop dito, tiklop doon. Linis dito, linis doon.
Ang bunso, masipag. Kung hindi nagbabasa, nagreresearch yan. Kung hindi gumagawa ng assignment, nagaayos ng kwarto.
E ako? Nakahiga. Nakatulala. Madalas kausap ang sarili. Nanonood. Nagpapalaki ng tyan. Tamad.
Kaya minsan, naiisip ko baka ipinaganak ako sa maling pamilya.
Kanina, maaga silang nagising lahat. Bumangon lang ako sa katok sa pintuan. Tapos, balik ulit sa pagtulog.
Ang akin, bakit ba? Bakasyon ako. Anong saysay ng pagbangon? Silang lahat abala. Sa eskwela at sa trabaho. Walis, linis, luto. Ligo, sepilyo, pasok. Ako, ibalot ang sarili sa kumot. Maling pamilya.
Kanina, sa hapag kainan. "Ikaw ang bahala sa labandera." Si nanay. Ayan na naman sa mga bilin nya. Kung tutuusin, okay lang dapat. Wala naman akong ginagawa. Pero nainis ako. Bakit? Kasi tinatamad ako. Bakasyon ako. Bakit may gagawin ako? Tsktsk. Irap. Buntong-hininga. Maling pamilya ata talaga.
Ngayon. Nakikita kong nakatingin si nanay sakin. Nagwawalis na naman sya. Nakatitig sya kasi nakahiga lang ako habang kung ano anong kinakalikot sa laptop ko. Nakatitig lang sya. Pero alam ko na nanghuhusga sya. Ano kayang iniisip nya? Siguro iniisip nya, "ang tamad ng batang ito", "bakit wala siyang ginagawa". Siguro ganun. Pero, bakasyon ako eh. Bakit ba.
Ngayon, ang naiisip ko lang. Bakit hindi sila mapirme? Bakit sila galaw ng galaw, gawa ng gawa? Hindi ba sila napapagod? Hindi ba sila marunong magpahinga? Masarap magpahinga. Masarap humilata. Masarap gumawa ng wala. Masarap ang walang ginagawa. Sige, tamad na kung tamad. Sige, batugan kung batugan. Iba na kung iba sainyo. Naiiba talaga ako. Misan, naiisip ko, ipinanganak yata ako sa maling pamilya.
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