In the Lowest Mood

This is (hopefully) my last semester in college. I am indescribably happy. Finally, I'm nearing one of the biggest accomplishments I might ever get in my life. What makes my happy bubble bigger and bigger are the words of encouragements from my closest friends and some random people I am acquainted with. 

But (oh gosh there is always a "but"), unexpectedly, my bubble got burst. 

I was talking with my Mother a while ago. We we're just making chika about my baby cousin, our dog, et cetera. Then, suddenly, she asked about how many subjects am I taking this coming semester (very very off topic). So I said "4". She was like "that's still a lot". I already got a bad feeling about the conversation and my mood went from sky high to hell low. I was a bit uneasy especially upon seeing her face, "I'm worried and I kinda don't trust that you can do it" was written on her forehead. Nice one, Mother, nice one. I tried to conceal my gigil and inis as I was answering her other interrogatory questions. Chill lang ako, chill lang. Then she asked me, "So, anong gagawin mo next sem?"  What the fuck? What does she mean with that question? I don't actually know, I don't wanna know. But one thing I'm sure, my chest hurt a little upon hearing her say that. Bravo, me, I still managed to say "Huh? Mag-aaral, ano pa ba?"

Some people might not get why am I upset. I am upset cos I am one year extended in college. More so, I am upset cos my Mother is upset that she still has to give me allowance for my one year extension. She calls it additional expenses. She is more worried about the money than my graduation. I know, I can't blame her. It's my fault that my graduation got delayed. And I am deeply apologetic about it. Now I don't know why forgiving me and trusting me again is so hard for her. I don't know why she doubts me that much. I don't know why she only sees my mistake. I don't know why she isn't proud of me. 

I forgot where and from whom exactly did I hear this, but I know it's from one of my teachers--A person's reputation is like a sheet of white bond paper. The paper itself represents the good things a person does in his/her life. And then that teacher drew a small circle using a black pen. That black circle represents the mistakes a person commits. That small circle is very noticeable on the white bond paper. Just like our mistakes, no matter how small they are, people will still notice it. One mistake can be deemed bigger than a thousand accomplishments. 

I actually do not want to be sad. I intend to fill my life with good vibes this coming semester. 

To my Mother: Nay, I am sorry if I'm adding up to your expenses. I'm sorry I didn't do good the previous semesters. And (I don't know if I should be sorry for this but I'll say it anyway) I'm sorry that you can't be proud of me anymore. 

Ruined Life-long Plans

They say nothing happens according to plan. Everything is unexpected. Life is full of surprises. I remember my high school classmate telling me that if you want to go on a gimik with your friends, you better not plan it. Because if you do, it won't happen.

This thought actually saddens me. I like making plans. I'm actually good at making plans. And when I plan, I write my thoughts down. I draw them too, sometimes. The variety of my plans stretch a mile. I have yearly, monthly, bi-monthly, weekly, daily, hourly, and even minute-ly (lol kidding) plans. In other words, I make plans for almost everything. Because having plans (which are basically doodles) always makes feel motivated. Plans make me look forward to something, everyday. They get me on track. They help me focus. Even if sometimes, things don't go according to what I planned. Nonetheless, I still make them.

Things happening not according to what we planned because of emergencies or bad weather is disappointing. But things happening not according to plan because somebody suddenly gets in the picture? Just insane.

Imagine how I felt when I figured my life-long plans aren't going to happen exactly as I've planned them. Leeds. Tokyo. Scuba diving. A hip tattoo. Law school. Crash course in video editing. Condo unit. Surfing. Everyday at the beach... Imagine how I felt when I figured these plans aren't going to happen because of one person. Disappointment might be an understatement of what I felt. I might have been very angry. I might have killed that person who ruined everything. I might have, but I did not. I wasn't disappointed, I didn't get angry and most certainly, I didn't kill anyone. I, actually, am happy with this turnout.

Now this sounds cheesy but this blabber will lose its tiny bit of sense if I don't say it so here goes (I made this entry for him anyway). Instead of getting disappointed because of my ruined life-long plans, I was happy. Cos finally these plans are meant not just for one person, but for two people (or who knows, maybe 3 or more). Finally, I have someone to do things with. Someone to go places with. And someone to accomplish plans with. Finally, I have someone. And he makes every inch of me, happy!

Life is indeed full of surprises. All along I thought that an accomplished plan renders the best feeling. Well I am mistaken. There is one person who would come in our life when we least expect him/her to. That person might not work with our plans, he/she actually might ruin our plans, but it doesn't mean that our life will become a mess. For what we know, our life is already a mess and his/her arrival is to actually fix things up. All I can say is, accomplishing plans is good, getting surprises--better. Haha.

I can't put my emotions into words right now. All I wanna do is pack my bags and leave this house. And never ever ever come back. I just realized, it isn't true that home is where the heart is. It isn't always true that whatever happens your family is always there. There are things that do not happen to everybody. Right now, I just wish that the rapture was true. So I'd die a natural death and not be forced to commit suicide. Or I was born in a different family. I'm serious. I'm not saying this just because I'm mad. I'm dead serious.

Loving is tiring.

Loving is tiring. Especially when you get nothing in return. Unreciprocated love is one of the worst things people can ever experience. Yes it's true that love should be selfless. But it's not everything. Mutuality is one thing, and it's really important. Before you can call something a relationship, feelings should be mutual. One has to get something in return for what one gives. Mutuality is needed to avoid exhaustion, burn-out. People get tired especially when they get nothing to boost their energy, morale, or self-love. People get exhausted when all they do is pour their hearts out to someone/something and all they get are blank stares and empty sighs. People need to be appreciated even just for a bit. Yes, people need to give love. But also, be loved in return.

If you can't reciprocate love, don't dare ask for it.

01|10|2011. I can't remember the reason why I wrote this entry.

On acad mode and state of panic.

So, I have an exam tomorrow on Crop Protection. The part we're gonna have a test on is about virulent pathogens and how they penetrate and infect susceptible plant hosts with disease, under favorable conditions. I know. I crammed all those things in one sentence cos I am still trying to memorize while writing this blog. I started reviewing, with my sis (well we were reviewing different subjects by the way), at Boston Cafe. We took a dinner break at around 9pm and went back to studying at around 10:30. Just enough rest for my mind. Around 12 midnight, yes I'm still reading about pathogens and blah, I found out that I have another exam tomorrow, I mean later, at 7am, at Forestry. I started to panic because I don't have any notes on any of the topics. Sooo, I went to my orgmate's apartment to get these handouts. I stayed there for an hour and MIND YOU NO LUCK I DIDN'T GET A SINGLE HANDOUT. I am feeling hopeless right now. And fucked up. What if I fail this exam? It's gonna be a big blow to my final grade in this subject. I MIGHT FAIL. AND KNOW WHAT? FRM110 IS FRIGGIN' SEASONAL. In other words, I might get extended again for another sem. FUCK MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. During the weekend, I was sick, I couldn't study. And now that I can, I have nothing to review. What the fuck is wrong with my life. I am very unlucky. This isn't a good way to start this week. My goooooood. And now I can't even concentrate on my plant pathogen blaaaah. Cos I am panicking tooooooo much. I won't stop ranting til I get handouts in FRM or til the exam gets cancelled. Way to go, I wouldn't be able to sleep now. I really won't be able to. I hate hate hate hate my life right now. AND I'M FUCKEEEEENG SLEEEEEEEEPY.

End of story.

Just kidding, not the end yet. Anybody who has handouts in FRM 110, feel free to contact me here. Or in Facebook. Please.