And I am just ecstatic.

I started writing my thesis proposal last sem and until now I haven't finalized my topic yet. My old topic was an exploratory study on citizen journalism in the Philippines. I really thought it was brilliant and can bag best thesis award. Well, I just thought so. My professor in Devc197 this sem helped me find the maaaaaaaaaany loopholes in my topic and urged me to re-angle (thank god not change the whole topic). So for almost two months now, I'm still sketching mind maps to come up with the best angle for my topic. Until last week. I found this article in sage publications about Political Violence and Journalism. And I was "Oh, this is a good angle. This might work." But since most of the articles in sage are for sale, I can only read the abstract. And the abstract made me wanna sell everything I have just so I can earn money to purchase the article. I just got this feeling that the article is the light that will lead my way in achieving my best thesis award dream! So, I searched the author in facebook (cos I believe that everyone is in facebook. haha.) and I found her! I added her up and to my surprise we have two common friends (both are from CDC. huy!). I also sent her a message stating that I added her as a friend cos I think that she can really help me in my thesis. I wasn't expecting that she will accept my request and help me in my thesis. SO I WAS REALLY ECSTATIC WHEN SHE ACCEPTED MY REQUEST AND SENT ME A PM SAYING THAT SHE'D BE GLAD TO HELP ME IN ANY WAY SHE CAN IN MY THESIS. I stopped myself from screaming. I'm gonna work on my thesis everyday. Haha. I'm really happy.

And and and she sent me that article I was drooling over. FOR FREE.

Too much to handle.

My brain only uses up 5% of its actual capacity (I guess), I still haven't figured out where the other 95% is. In my high school biology class, my teacher discussed that, normally, human beings use up 10% of their actual brain capacity. So, I'm not normal. Anyway, because I only use 5% I am, in many instances, stupid. I can't watch intellectual movies alone, cos I need someone to explain what's happening once in a while (i.e. Inception, The first 30 minutes I had no idea what the movie is about). My memory is poor. I only remember birthdays because of facebook. I even forget hunger sometimes. I'm no good in organizing my thoughts. That's why my blogs are cluttered. I wonder why I took journalism as my major. I can't multi-task! I hate it when I really wanna listen to a song while reading and then when I play the song I can't continue reading anymore.

And I'm no good at deciding. My mind buffers slowly when I'm asked questions like "where do you want to eat?", "what can you say about my teeth?", "what do you wanna watch?", "what should we do now?". And just malfunctions when "do you like me?", "will you go out with me?", "who do you like, him or me?", "do you love me?".

I hate it when my brain just stops thinking that's why I hate people who throw a bunch of questions all at once and expect me to answer right away! I'm not cleverbot for heaven's sake. I'm a "slow" person who needs a lot of thinking time before being able to decide. Maybe in the former questions, lots of thinking time are not really necessary. In the latter, yes please! But this is just in my case.

Just this morning someone bombarded me with questions I couldn't really answer at that moment. I got angry. At him. At myself. And at the fact that my 5% brain capacity does not help me in thinking at all. I was so frustrated cos I was not able to say anything that made sense. I was just yelling at him and telling him I hate him for asking me such things. And then I just stopped talking and thinking. All I wanted to do was to end our conversation and cuddle in bed with my teddy. But he was gentle enough to comfort me with "I'm not asking your mind to answer my questions, I'm asking your heart."

Buti na lang may Toblerone.

Ako: Nag-expect ka ba?

Friend: Hindi naman eh. Alam ko naman kung ano kami eh. Okay lang magkagusto siya sa iba. Ang akin lang, sana alam ko, sana ipaalam niya, sana pinaalam niya.

Ako: Hmm. Anong gusto mong mangyari ngayon?

Friend: Gusto ko lang mag-sorry siya. Yun lang.

Ako rin. Yun lang naman hinihintay ko, mag-sorry ka. Yung sorry na totoo. Patunayan mo na alam mo yung mga bagay na ginawa mong mali at patunayan mo na nagsisisi ka. Alam kong hindi mo kasalanan lahat, pero alam natin pareho na mas marami kang pagkukulang.

Napapansin mo ba? Na hanggang ngayon hindi kita kayang kausapin, kahit batiin man lang. Kasi, alam mo, pakiramdam ko kasi parang wala lang sa'yo yung ginawa mo, yung nangyari. Parang joke lang. Sa'kin kasi totoo lahat.

Ayoko nung ganito, emo. Buti na lang may Toblerone. Masaya pa rin ako.

Nothing brilliant.

I like reading other people's blogs. Mostly, of those people i don't know. Random blogs about random things. They give me the urge to write my own randomness. But I always end up staring at my monitor, trying to compose even one paragraph of my thoughts, never succeeding. For one second I have this brilliant idea for an entry, next thing I know, I already forgot what I was thinking.

Like now. I believe I'm supposed to add one more line to that paragraph but I completely forgot about it.

formspring.me

Hello. ASK. http://formspring.me/stoplookcuddle

Sleepless. Continuously sighing.

Sleepless again. I don't know. I just have a lot of things goin on right now. I was in a bad mood, and then I was happy, and then bad vibes again and then blaaa~what, I don't really know. Maybe this is boredom. I get crazy when I don't do something outside my routine. And today, I was stuck with just the computer, tv, dining table, bed, computer, tv, dining table, bed, oh and fridge. Definitely not the summer I have imagined. Hmm.

And now, I change my mood too quickly which is annoying cos I get really confused about my tweets and Facebook stats. Like I don't understand myself anymore. Like I don't know what to feel first. Like everything is spontaneous and I can't catch up. Like I've gone insane already. Total chaos, up here (points to head). INTENSE. Ha ha. (look at that I'm even laughing at myself like this is nothing serious, is this serious?) And then I feel like blogging with all my thoughts disorganized like nobody's gonna read this. Yeah probably nobody's gonna read this. *Exhales deeply*

Actually I was happy today. 1)First time I woke up not drenched in sweat! 2)And then I got published, right! Right! 3)And I was kinikilig (actually since yesterday) cos I was stalking my newest crush. 4)I had a relaxing nap. 5)And I am feeling better, allergic rhinitis is finally going away.

Also, I got BV. 1)Celtics lost game 5, it was disappointing. I felt the need to be in the game and shout at Pierce "Hey you score some 3 pointers alright!". I SO WANT THEM TO BE IN THE FINALS. And beat Lakers. 2)THAT guy is bothering me again. Ew. He's trying to make friends AGAIN. Sabi na ayoko na e pero ipilit pa niya sarili nya nakakainis. 3)I suddenly felt unappreciated. And unloved. (maybe I just needed attention. I can be papansin at times)

And there. Nothing serious, I guess. I can just sleep, dream away and forget all these troubles in no time. But since I am stupid what I do is torture myself with all these thoughts until I cry, sleep, and get nightmares. Worse, wet my bed. KIDDING, JUST KIDDING.

I'm a frekkin' writer!

Can I just say that I feel so awesome and legendary right now? Whew. I just got published! Oh well, I knew that this article is gonna be published because the editor of diliman diary asked me to give him the right to post it in the site but I JUST FELT ECSTATIC when I saw it posted on the diliman diary website. I really am a writer now. I can't believe it. I've been writing for like 15 years now but I've never been proud of my outputs. Hmm. Maybe that's one reason why I don't blog. Haha. I don't like people reading my work cos I'm afraid they might not like it and I hate being rejected just like that. Hahaha.

Actually I just don't know what to say. I'm soooooo sooooo happy. Good vibes are already coming in.

I don't really blog

I write. I keep journals. But I don't really blog. I don't even know why I made this one. Actually, I've made lots and lots of blogs already. I just do not know how to uhh manage? Alright whatever. I tried to maintain my wordpress but after two posts I just got bored. Hmm. Microblogs work for me, though. I think I'm so much better with one-liner posts than this kinda stuff. Hmm. So why am I even posting this? Well, I wanna try. This is prolly the last try.